Brown Bear

The Brown bear. I am absolutely terrified of bears. I was going to say for no real reason, but here, I’ll give you a list of reasons. Their sense of smell is 100 x better than a dog, meaning they can smell prey (me) from 20 miles away. They can weigh in excess of 600kg, and cover short distances at 30mph. It would be like trying to escape from an angry meat tsunami. Oh, that’s fine I’m on a horse. NO. It will outlast your horse. Climb a tree? NO. Maybe I’ll feed it this bowling ball that I happen to have with me and it’ll get lodged in its throat and die. NO, BECAUSE IT CAN CRUSH A BOWLING BALL WITH ITS JAWS. There’s a Grizzly in Banff that has eaten other bears, and been hit by a train and survived. Oh and they don’t actually hibernate, they go into a state of torpor which means, like Chuck Norris, they are ready to wake up and end you at a moment's notice. And yet, despite all of this, they have an undeniable ‘cuddle me’ vibe. Terrifying. Not this one though. This one would look great in your house.